2022

 Hello world! I love to recap my thoughts on my year via word, spoken preferably, but written is fine. 

2022 started with my heart being shattered into hundreds of little pieces, tears in my eyes, and a burning desire to never feel this way again. And the icing on the shit cake? A speeding ticket. I had myself fooled into believing in a fantasy and oh God, how wrong I was! It was not a good time, and I vowed to not make my whole year about this...again.

Every year my soul friends and I chose a word of the year. I use it as the overall theme in everything I do. This year the word for me was Surrender. Surrender to the truth, surrender to the flow of the universe, and surrender to who I am. I care deeply as to what my loved ones think of me. I internalize so much that I act like I don't care, and then do everything to show that I actually do, but lying to myself about it. (Humans are fucking weird, why would I do that?)

"Hi, you need to look inside for that validation you so deeply seek." 

As I have gotten older I have started to realize more and more that actually, I am great. I have so much to offer the world and I have so much to learn from it. My life didn't turn out to be the way I was told it would. Things aren't as simple as I thought. There is so much complexity to everything and I had never understood that before. I was so upset with myself for "failing myself." What that looks like in the every day world is me wanting validation from outside sources to try to hide my disappointment in myself. It is exhausting trying to get approval from someone who isn't aware that you are doing that. Also, is that the person I want to be to my family and friends. Give them the responsibility of building me up every day? 

I am not saying that being praised isn't great, but I don't ever want to need it to feel good in life. It seems like a really fragile thing to base my happiness and self worth on. 

 Sacrifice is necessary.

I hate not being good at things; and this manifests in the opposite direction of what reason would dictate. I am not an over-achiever. I am so not okay with losing that the only way that it cannot control me is by being known for losing. I can count on my hands the number of board games I have won against my friends in the 10+ years we have known each other. I cannot tell you how much I hate it. I do. But it takes the pressure off and that means I don't have to deal with it. 

I had decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to sacrifice or work harder than I needed to. I had this weird idea that we have evolved so much as emotional beings that I do not have to sacrifice anything that I want in life to get something else I want. I will do it all and have it all and be it all. I won't sacrifice my comfort or happiness. And this will lead me down a path of getting what I want, easily!

I didn't factor in that I am a human with feelings and big, big emotions that take time and maturity to process. Also, success is not linear. All this to say that I never gave up anything to achieve my goals. Which lead to a very frustrated person who didn't understand why life wasn't looking like she imagined it to be like.

Gifted kid burnout is what I would describe this as. I was very smart and quick to pick up things without trying, and that seemed to be at a higher level than other kids in my grade until probably college, so why would I try ANY HARDER?! I got enough praise that it was enough! No time wasted with studying or sacrificing my favorite tv show or hanging out or whatever. 

But as I traveled further away from home and got older, I quickly came to realize that I had not developed good studying habits and college was a bit of a challenge. I did C+ to B work, but in my heart, I wanted to be the best:A+. But I had never done anything to earn that, I had never sacrificed. And now I am 32 and I am finally realizing that in order to get exactly what I want, sacrifices are necessary because everything that is worth it, is not easy. And no matter how far in life we evolve, that is a universal and timeless truth.

Think about Kobe and MJ. They had to sacrifice things like time w/ their families, and not eating what they wanted, and having to overcome their own desire to not get up at 4:00am to practice, sacrificing their comfort. In order to be willing to  make those trade offs, they had to decide what it was they TRULY wanted. What they wanted had to be worth not going to certain dance performances, or games, or family dinners, birthdays, holidays, what have you. They made heavy sacrifices for the dream, and made sure it was worth it. Because how can you not. 

Another real life and personal example: my parents. Believe me when I tell you that I wanted to make their sacrifices worth it, and I thought that meant I didn't have to work hard or sacrifice at all. When in reality it means that I have the privilege to sacrifice things that aren't so costly for a greater reward. (I have been sitting with this for a minute, because 🤯, but also like, duh Marla!)

And now that I understand all this, I am ready to start making decisions, and sacrificing because all this feels aligned with my spirit.

Time. 

Good things also take time. And I don't mean an hour or a day. I mean weeks, months, years. 

I am not patient. If I can't learn Italian in one day, then I am not learning it at all. If I didn't a make the basketball team in 9th grade, I am not going to work harder, I am just going to go do what is going to take me the least amount of time and effort to be successful. Like I am some rich, nepo baby or something. 

Being patient has been a blessing to my spirit, because I am no longer in such a rush for my life to look like what I wanted at 10 years old, or whatever. It stopped looking like that the moment I came out, so why I have still been holding on to that "dream" is beyond me. Glutton for punishment, probs.  

It has taken years for me to understand myself, and trust myself and years to build relationships with the important people in my life. College took me 5 years and I didn't die or disappoint anyone for taking an extra year.  Those mountains I love so much took THOUSANDS of years to form. The universe has been showing me time and time again that GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME. Why I have never embraced this philosophy sooner is baffling. It has been proven time and time again, in so many different ways.

"If its been proven time and time again, maybe just do that." 

First thing I think of: budgeting. Like, I can't just be good with my money if I don't know where it is going and if it doesn't have a plan. I don't like to plan, I don't, I never have. But planning is so important to how society runs. It has been proven to accomplish goals time and time again. And when you have a plan, it is so much easier to face your fears. Fear of money is real folks, and we are working through it. It will take time, but at least we are moving in the right direction. 

Learning a language is another thing that comes to mind. There are so many different ways to learn, but you know, getting overwhelmed and quitting at the first struggle is not one of those ways. 

It's all about one step at a time. My whole life, I saw all the work certain things would take and I had already defeated myself. I finally am accepting that yeah, step by step, and one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. This year helped me accept that I am going to move at the pace that best suits me because at the end of the day, I answer to me and my spirit.

2022  was my favorite so far. It was hard in ways I didn't know it could be, and spoiler: I survived, again! I experienced beautiful things like going to Disney with my soul family! It was a dream trip that I will always treasure. The Disney magic is real, and my love for my soul family is also real. #blessed Wendover trips with my besties. There is nothing funner than gambling in a casino while being drunk. I don't know what it is, but it just feels right to me. Food! Always food! I have eaten delicious meals with my favorite people, and sometimes that meant just me. 

I am thankful that I have accepted the fact that I am single. It has always bothered me, I have always seen it as a negative. But not anymore. What's meant to be will be when its meant to be. And you cannot force love and attraction. I have so much to learn about romantic love, but I am now solid in what that feels like for me. I have also learned to accept that romantic connections take time to build, just like anything. Rushing important things like long-term partnerships is not a great idea for this girl that has always moved at a very "came out in my 20s" pace anyway.

I have never been so confident in me to get me to where I need to go. If I had to put the feeling into words, I would say my spirit, heart, and mind are in alignment. I am choosing to live in a way that no matter what happens externally, I am solid within myself. I can always anchor myself to that in any storm. Finally deciding who I want to be has given me such a peace which makes it so much easier to focus on my goals.

Shout out to all the little every-day and common things that brought me so much gratitude and joy. For me that was, eating breakfast with my Mom, strumming the guitar and signing with Jordan. It was my morning cup of coffee. It was the drives and the play time in the pool. Reading in the same room with my people. Drinking wine and enjoying dinners. Board games and getting beat by my cheating nephews! It was convincing my niece she does love me every time she saw me. It was the hugs and the "I love Aunt Marla!"s . It was being able to cry about the same damn thing and still be comforted. It was all the phases of the moon and all the stars. It was all the songs that carried me through it all. It was this ass, that just won't quit! 

Joy and a highlight was the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA Championship after most everyone counted them out. It just felt so on theme for me.They got me through a broken heart, and that must be celebrated with ink! Watching this team play ignited my soul and it was all I needed to get going. It is the little joys!

And one giant shout out to those three months where I didn't think about her at all and it gave me the strength I needed to wake the fuck up. It was like when MJ took that break in-between his 3-peats. He like needed that refresher to come back and do it again. I needed the break from the constant heartache to see the situation for what it was: not a big deal, and certainly not what I deserve. (haha I understand if this makes sense to no-one else but me!)

For this next year, the word for me is Home. Building my home within myself and knowing exactly what home means and the weight it carries. It is about going to my family home and learning more about  where we come from and be able to honor that every single day. I want to know my ancestors. Home is the constant between my past, present and future, and I just want to pick that apart and see where that gets me. 

Thank you to all that made this year a fantastic year. I am excited for 32 and all that it will bring. I hope you all had a great year, and here is to another year around the sun! Lets get this bread  🍞🍞

Love always, in all ways,

Marla!