30

I did it. I hit the big 3-0! 

I want to take a moment to share, reflect, analyze a little, and look to the future. 

First of all, let's start with the fact that I did not, in any way shape or form think I would make it to be this old. I honestly never thought that I would make it past 18. I have had all these extra years that I didn't plan for, and sure as hell didn't ask anyone to give me. I have basically been dragging my depressed, stupid ass around with no intent or desire. 

Don't get me wrong. I have lived a beautiful life, full of the most beautiful people that have ever existed in all of time. Oh, another thing before we move forward: I do not mince my words, and I love real real hard. 

I have learned many a thing during these thirty years of life. First, attitude, it's everything. This has taken me forever to understand and accept, and even longer to implement. I am still practicing every day with my brain to ensure we can look at the pluses and the lessons in the negatives. I am the queen of having a shitty attitude and I complain a lot, and it is constant work to remind myself that shitty attitudes and complaining only bring forth negativity. There is a time and place for venting and sharing the negative in healthy ways. I don't ever need to let a shitty attitude get in the way of me. 

The second thing that has been important as of late, is that love is the center of it all. And that sounds so cheesy, but it is true. The hard thing about love though is finding the right love to put in the center. I currently and in the past, loved unhealthy places, people, things that ended up hurting me more in the long run. But when you find the right place to put your love, where it is nurtured, expressed, and amplified, well, there really aren't words. Better writers than me have tried to describe the feeling, and most come up short. To be loved and to love is the greatest gift that the universe has given us. Love for our family, power, money, and food is what has allowed civilizations to continue to grow. And personally, love has kept me euphoric, hurting, and so so alive. 

In this next phase of my life, I will love more, but I will also love in healthier ways. I will use all the love I have and use it to help heal from the traumas that have kept me from loving fully all these years. Healing is such excruciating pain, but so necessary for me to better love and be better at being loved. 

Let us talk mortal enemies. I have one, and it is me. I am my own worst enemy. And is that because of the serotonin deprived brain and the shitty attitude? Among a plethora of things, yes. I can over-think myself into a heart-wrenching sadness and into the absolute depths of madness. And thank goodness for antidepressants that worked for me, because it helps a shit ton. But also, no one ever really talked about needing to heal from traumas and how our brains adapted to bullshit. No one talks about how to unpackage hard feelings/thoughts and so we cope. And that is what I have been doing. I have been coping, trying to stay afloat. And it really be your own. I have been holding myself back for so long. 

Which leads me to, forgiveness. I get stuck on this concept pretty often because I am PETTY as shit. You hurt me? The child in me says: "Hurt twice as much." And the proud adult in me says: "I don't have to forgive people because why would any part of me show them grace? Fuck that." But, God, does it get so heavy to carry, and it's just this sick stupid feeling that comes up sometimes only to cut you in lingering ways. I am working on forgiveness and have gotten to the most important part: forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not giving more, and not saying or doing the right things, and ultimately for not loving myself more. It's a journey, but it already hurts in a good way, in a healing way. The sigh of relief and the weight lifted off my chest for forgiving those who have hurt me, well, it is worth more than I could say. 

I have never lived with intention. As you can read, I have been walking around with no purpose, just like sad sometimes, and manic the other times. I have been sitting on my ass doing the bare minimum. I have been trying so hard, in painful stupid ways to figure out who I am, what I want, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind, and do I even give a shit about that? Who am I trying to impress and why? And the pièce de résistance: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?

And here, I turn to the little moments in my everyday life that remind me that life is crap, sure, but also, so incredibly beautiful. I came home and my dogs were all over me, and like, I almost cried from how simple and pure that is, and who doesn't want to live for that? I remember sitting at the kitchen table in Cedar City, and looking around and thinking that nothing is worth more than being here enjoying food, and I was reminded that, yeah, I do want to live if only to enjoy these moments. Or when I get to drink coffee with my mom every morning, like, sure, fine Mom, I'll stick around longer because these moments are nice. My nephew wrote me a letter asking me to stay with him for seven whole days. I mean, sheesh kid, have my whole heart! And what about those moments at 2AM when we were all drunk and singing Usher while playing beer pong, and then waking up and getting breakfast at 2PM? Those moments, I will live for any day. 

I have met people who have calmed the raging ocean that is my soul by just being, and knowing that there are people that can do that for me makes wanting life easier too. 

(I just had to stop because a thought popped into my head about how the person I have feelings for is going to date other people and ouch. This is what I am talking about when I say my own mortal enemy because that was totally unnecessary.) 

Moving forward, I set my intention to live with intention. I will love, heal, learn, and be with intention. I will love on purpose and know that I deserve to live with purpose. I will work for the good things, and work through the hard things on purpose. I have so much within me that deserves to be, just be. Life is happening, whether I want it to or not, and I am done letting it happen to me. After 30 years, I will live on purpose. As all good things do, this takes hard work and it won't be easy. But after everything I have lived, the only thing I want is peace in my soul, I know that working for a life of intention, will bring me that peace. 

Thank you for your birthday wishes and the love you sent me! I know and feel how blessed I have been in my life and will hold on to these moments in the dark times. And of course, to my beating heart, my Mom and Dad: As hard as life has been, your love and never-ending support have given me more than I could have ever dreamed of! I will spend this life and the next ones loving and repaying you for everything! 

To 30 more years of Marla!